Introduction
The real reason I decided to make this blog is because I need a place where I can express the truth, the real truth. Not the bullshit slanted truth that most of us teenagers live by. The good thing is that my name is not really Brandie, therefore I can say and do just about anything without feeling like my real identity is being judged. Before I say anything I want to let you know that everything I write in this blog is accurate. Because what's the point of creating a blog if all I'm going to do is lie? I consider myself a little promiscuous in the sense that I enjoy living life as spontaneously and freely as possible. Being a freshman in college is tough. All this freedom, pressure, independence, studying, money, drinking, decisions, can be fucking overwhelming. This blog is for you.
First college weekend: Truth or Dare or just Dare?
First weekend of college and all I wanted to do was get drunk, have sex, and...that's it. My roommate wanted to hook up with this sexy soccer player and as her friend I hooked it up. It was sunday night and the plan was for him and his friends to hang with my friends and you know, we'd get fucked up maybe play a few drinking games, all that shit. Keep in mind this sexy ass guy thinks I have a boyfriend. Why? no idea, but by the way I'm single as fuck.
His friends come to our room and we start drinking and of course, we start playing kings cup. While we were playing the guy asks me if I'm still with my boyfriend. I responded, "what boyfriend?" and at that moment I thought to myself "fuck, what does he want?". In the middle of playing kings I get a snapchat from the guy who is sitting 5 feet away from me. I open it and it said "fuck me tonight?" I don't know whether I was horny or just a heartless bitch but for some reason I said yes.
I know, I know, I'm a bitch for doing that because my roommate wants him. Let me continue my story. After the game he says let's all play truth or dare. All of us agree but little did we know we were in for some strip truth or dare. yikes. I start the game and I choose dare. The guy says okay, take a piece of clothing off. The fuck you just said? take my clothes off? But you know being the dumb ass I am I listened and start stripping. Everyone ends up being naked and holding our private parts awkwardly staring at each other in the dim light. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I couldn't help myself. I kept staring at the guy knowing he wanted to fuck and I started feeling more horny by the second. I could feel the tingling between my thighs as I stared at his charming smile and perfectly volumed lips. It was his turn next and his dare was to pick anyone he wanted and touch them however he felt like. In my head I wanted him to grab me, but out loud I was telling him to pick my roommate. I'm such a shitty person.
Ironically, he comes and grabs my hand and takes me into my closet the size of a shoebox. His hands wrap around my face as he begins to kiss me. God I wanted to fuck him right there. His hand slowly moves down my breasts and then pass my stomach. I could feel myself getting so wet. His fingers began to rub my clit and I wanted to scream out of pleasure! but I couldn't. It felt so fucking good.
We get out of the closet and okay let me summarize so I can get to the good stuff. All my friends ended up going to sleep and his friends as well. The only people left in the room were me, my roommate, and hot guy. Butt ass naked. He wanted the threesome I mean come on, every guy wants a threesome. My roommate had her period, which is ironic considering this whole thing happened because she was planning on having sex with him that night. My roommate decides to leave, leaving just me and him. You could only guess what happens next. Hold up I'm getting horny just typing this I think I need to sleep. Fuck it's 4 am. Alright quick pause I'm gonna sleep and continue this story tomorrow. Good night Brandie Bloggies, catch you up soon.
His friends come to our room and we start drinking and of course, we start playing kings cup. While we were playing the guy asks me if I'm still with my boyfriend. I responded, "what boyfriend?" and at that moment I thought to myself "fuck, what does he want?". In the middle of playing kings I get a snapchat from the guy who is sitting 5 feet away from me. I open it and it said "fuck me tonight?" I don't know whether I was horny or just a heartless bitch but for some reason I said yes.
I know, I know, I'm a bitch for doing that because my roommate wants him. Let me continue my story. After the game he says let's all play truth or dare. All of us agree but little did we know we were in for some strip truth or dare. yikes. I start the game and I choose dare. The guy says okay, take a piece of clothing off. The fuck you just said? take my clothes off? But you know being the dumb ass I am I listened and start stripping. Everyone ends up being naked and holding our private parts awkwardly staring at each other in the dim light. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I couldn't help myself. I kept staring at the guy knowing he wanted to fuck and I started feeling more horny by the second. I could feel the tingling between my thighs as I stared at his charming smile and perfectly volumed lips. It was his turn next and his dare was to pick anyone he wanted and touch them however he felt like. In my head I wanted him to grab me, but out loud I was telling him to pick my roommate. I'm such a shitty person.
Ironically, he comes and grabs my hand and takes me into my closet the size of a shoebox. His hands wrap around my face as he begins to kiss me. God I wanted to fuck him right there. His hand slowly moves down my breasts and then pass my stomach. I could feel myself getting so wet. His fingers began to rub my clit and I wanted to scream out of pleasure! but I couldn't. It felt so fucking good.
We get out of the closet and okay let me summarize so I can get to the good stuff. All my friends ended up going to sleep and his friends as well. The only people left in the room were me, my roommate, and hot guy. Butt ass naked. He wanted the threesome I mean come on, every guy wants a threesome. My roommate had her period, which is ironic considering this whole thing happened because she was planning on having sex with him that night. My roommate decides to leave, leaving just me and him. You could only guess what happens next. Hold up I'm getting horny just typing this I think I need to sleep. Fuck it's 4 am. Alright quick pause I'm gonna sleep and continue this story tomorrow. Good night Brandie Bloggies, catch you up soon.
Hooking up with someone who has a girlfriend
Good Morning, I'm back! Back to the story, the guy is laying naked on his back as I start to make my way onto the bed. He could probably hear the amount of guilt pounding against my ears right now. I get up on the bed where his feet were and I slowly make my way to his dick. I grab his dick with my hand and gently wrapped my mouth around the head and began to blow him. I could feel tears arousing as he played with my hair and began to moan. After a few minutes he flipped me over and returned the favor. My moaning was in full throttle now and my back arched and bottom half thrusted towards his tongue. Finally he slips on a condom and began to fuck me. Every stroke got more and more intense as he started to finger me while me was pounding into me, it felt fucking amazing.
After 30 minutes of this, he noticed some blood on his hand and I got scared as shit. Did I just get my period while having sex with this sexy guy? I felt inside of my vagina and realized it was not my period. So what was it? my cherry popped. No, I was not a virgin before this but that is what he thought. I don't know why my cherry hadn't popped in the past, I always assumed it may have happened while I was a little girl riding a horse or doing the splits in gymnastics. Well that was the end of that. He stayed and we walked for a while before he gave me his number and said we should hang out tomorrow.
The next morning I send him a text saying, "what are you doing?" I never got a response. A part of me was really hurt at the fact that he never answered, considering he was the one that told me to text him. At least that was how I was feeling at the moment. A couple days after I found out he's been dating someone for the past year. What the fuck right? But I guess that's life as a college student. You find a nice guy and he makes you feel special for a few hours and then bam! you're nothing but another body added to his body count. What a douchebag. Oh I forgot to mention that my roommate didn't talk to me for the next couple days because I fucked him. Karma really is mother-fucking bitch. I apologized to her about what I did and told her about his girlfriend so she would feel better about not having sex with him. It's crazy because I thought I had the potential to genuinely have feelings for this guy, thank god I didn't.
Just kidding I totally did. If I said I had no feelings for him that'd be a lie because sex always means more than we think. Sex is like a leash that attaches two people whether you want it to or not.
When you have sex with someone there is always going to be that feeling like you have a little connection with them, even though you claim not to have feelings. That's just how girls are and I fucking hate it.
After 30 minutes of this, he noticed some blood on his hand and I got scared as shit. Did I just get my period while having sex with this sexy guy? I felt inside of my vagina and realized it was not my period. So what was it? my cherry popped. No, I was not a virgin before this but that is what he thought. I don't know why my cherry hadn't popped in the past, I always assumed it may have happened while I was a little girl riding a horse or doing the splits in gymnastics. Well that was the end of that. He stayed and we walked for a while before he gave me his number and said we should hang out tomorrow.
The next morning I send him a text saying, "what are you doing?" I never got a response. A part of me was really hurt at the fact that he never answered, considering he was the one that told me to text him. At least that was how I was feeling at the moment. A couple days after I found out he's been dating someone for the past year. What the fuck right? But I guess that's life as a college student. You find a nice guy and he makes you feel special for a few hours and then bam! you're nothing but another body added to his body count. What a douchebag. Oh I forgot to mention that my roommate didn't talk to me for the next couple days because I fucked him. Karma really is mother-fucking bitch. I apologized to her about what I did and told her about his girlfriend so she would feel better about not having sex with him. It's crazy because I thought I had the potential to genuinely have feelings for this guy, thank god I didn't.
Just kidding I totally did. If I said I had no feelings for him that'd be a lie because sex always means more than we think. Sex is like a leash that attaches two people whether you want it to or not.
When you have sex with someone there is always going to be that feeling like you have a little connection with them, even though you claim not to have feelings. That's just how girls are and I fucking hate it.
The Aftermath
So this guy has a girlfriend, shocker? NOT. I'm not a girl who is going to be okay with cheating, especially if I know I'm doing it. I asked him later if he has a girlfriend and he tells me no. no? so he's saying that everyone, including his friends, is lying because they all told me he is dating her. The funny part is that she goes to the same college and as us yet she has no idea what kind of a manipulative whore her boyfriend is. Anyway we went to the club a couple weeks after and my friends and I saw the two of them dancing together. As the petty person I am, I decide to dance real close to them, bumping him once in a while and pretending I'm doing it by accident. Who am I kidding there's no such thing as accidents I knew exactly what I was doing. I go into the bathroom and what do you know, his girlfriends walks in and stands in line right next to me. I kept thinking to myself, "Should I say something", "Should I not", "I better not", "But I'm drunk so maybe I should".
After two minutes of contemplating with myself it just came out, "Hi I'm Brandie, you're Amanda right?". She looked confused as hell. "Yes? How do you know me?". Fuck you have no idea how badly I wanted to tell her, but I was a pussy and didn't tell her shit. "Oh I just met your boyfriend the other day, real nice guy". She smiled and said, "thank you, he's such a cutie right?". I just smiled and nodded. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why did I not tell her. At this moment, I didn't tell her because for some reason I cared about what he thought of me. I didn't want to cause drama and I didn't want him to hate me. I have no idea why I cared so much. Looking back I should've fucking told her when I had the chance. I could still tell her now but the past is in the past and hopefully karma works itself out. She's a really sweet girl and its tragic to see someone so genuine get cheated on my assholes with small dicks. Oops did I just say small dick? Guess the fuckboys are taking a toll.
After two minutes of contemplating with myself it just came out, "Hi I'm Brandie, you're Amanda right?". She looked confused as hell. "Yes? How do you know me?". Fuck you have no idea how badly I wanted to tell her, but I was a pussy and didn't tell her shit. "Oh I just met your boyfriend the other day, real nice guy". She smiled and said, "thank you, he's such a cutie right?". I just smiled and nodded. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why did I not tell her. At this moment, I didn't tell her because for some reason I cared about what he thought of me. I didn't want to cause drama and I didn't want him to hate me. I have no idea why I cared so much. Looking back I should've fucking told her when I had the chance. I could still tell her now but the past is in the past and hopefully karma works itself out. She's a really sweet girl and its tragic to see someone so genuine get cheated on my assholes with small dicks. Oops did I just say small dick? Guess the fuckboys are taking a toll.
How many is too many?
I thought hooking up with a guy in a relationship was bad, but hear this. I go to the bar on saturday night in the city with my friends. We go straight to the bar and order margaritas because 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor or in my case, someone elses floor. We start dancing I immediately spot this cute irish guy from across the room. He's wearing a rangers jersey, jeans, and a backwards hat. damn, he was sexy as hell. My friends told me to go talk to him so I chugged the rest of my margarita and walked over. I tapped him and said, "hi I couldn't help but notice you're alone". He smiles and says, "I'm glad someone noticed" but whoa he has a thick accent haha!! I ask what kind of accent he has and he says it's brazilian. We talked for awhile but I couldn't stop staring at his adorable dimples and piercing brown eyes.
Oh I forgot to mention this guy is 25. shit, I used to think 21 was old yet there I was sticking my throat down a man who's 7 years older. I like older men but the problem for me is that hes 25, which means he went through college and has his life together with a full time job. I'm 18 I don't have my shit together. I go to parties, hook up with guys, get drunk, get high, forgets to do my laundry, pulls all nighters because I procrastinate, and a bunch of other shit. So anyway he turns me around and began to kiss me. We were against the wall in the bar but I could feel everyone staring as he grabbed my ass and fingered me through my pants. He kept whispering how sexy I was and my vagina began to tingle. I wanted to fuck him so bad but I am not about going home with random guys on the first night nuh uh. After a while I told the guy I was going to hang out with my friends so I gave him my number and dipped. Where's the next hot guy at?
I'm dancing with my friends and all of sudden fuck, another hot guy. This guy was tall, little scruff, dressed casually, and looked a whole lot like dylan o' brien. Yes, I said dylan o' fucking brian, and no my vision was not off because I was drunk. I walk up to him and I started grinding on him. I could feel his dick getting hard and I pressed my ass slowly between his hips. He grabbed my hand and put it on his dick so I began to stroke him making sure no one around could see. We started making out and at this point, I began to moan into his mouth between every kiss. I know what you are all thinking, I'm a slut. I won't deny that I am a slut but I do have a lot of self control. This night I decided to be wild because my friend whos the real slut, wasn't there. I usually have to babysit her at the bars making sure she does not get too out of control. This night was for me bitches haha.
Anyway I left the second guy and a few hours later I saw a cute asian. Side note: I'm not into asians but this guy got me feeling some type of way so i went to talk to him. His name was Brad and he was filipino from Manhattan, that's pretty much all I know about him. Oh, and that hes 24. Yikes what is going on with me attracting men in their mid 20's I barely pass for being 16. Anyway we made out in the corner for a good 30 minutes and when I told him I was going to leave with my friends he replies ,"fuck that youre coming home with me". first off, I don't fucking know you. Secondly, you don't tell me what to fucking do. I start walking out the door with my friends and from the corner of my eye, I see him pushing people through to get to me. At that moment I began to run, like really run. I started sprinting down 48th street and escaped into a really fancy hotel. The guys at the entrance were wearing suits and the hotel was completely silent. They asked what was wrong so we told them someone was trying to chase me. The workers helped us calm down and told us to escape through the back door. thank fucking god. The last thing I need is a crazy stalker in my life
Oh I forgot to mention this guy is 25. shit, I used to think 21 was old yet there I was sticking my throat down a man who's 7 years older. I like older men but the problem for me is that hes 25, which means he went through college and has his life together with a full time job. I'm 18 I don't have my shit together. I go to parties, hook up with guys, get drunk, get high, forgets to do my laundry, pulls all nighters because I procrastinate, and a bunch of other shit. So anyway he turns me around and began to kiss me. We were against the wall in the bar but I could feel everyone staring as he grabbed my ass and fingered me through my pants. He kept whispering how sexy I was and my vagina began to tingle. I wanted to fuck him so bad but I am not about going home with random guys on the first night nuh uh. After a while I told the guy I was going to hang out with my friends so I gave him my number and dipped. Where's the next hot guy at?
I'm dancing with my friends and all of sudden fuck, another hot guy. This guy was tall, little scruff, dressed casually, and looked a whole lot like dylan o' brien. Yes, I said dylan o' fucking brian, and no my vision was not off because I was drunk. I walk up to him and I started grinding on him. I could feel his dick getting hard and I pressed my ass slowly between his hips. He grabbed my hand and put it on his dick so I began to stroke him making sure no one around could see. We started making out and at this point, I began to moan into his mouth between every kiss. I know what you are all thinking, I'm a slut. I won't deny that I am a slut but I do have a lot of self control. This night I decided to be wild because my friend whos the real slut, wasn't there. I usually have to babysit her at the bars making sure she does not get too out of control. This night was for me bitches haha.
Anyway I left the second guy and a few hours later I saw a cute asian. Side note: I'm not into asians but this guy got me feeling some type of way so i went to talk to him. His name was Brad and he was filipino from Manhattan, that's pretty much all I know about him. Oh, and that hes 24. Yikes what is going on with me attracting men in their mid 20's I barely pass for being 16. Anyway we made out in the corner for a good 30 minutes and when I told him I was going to leave with my friends he replies ,"fuck that youre coming home with me". first off, I don't fucking know you. Secondly, you don't tell me what to fucking do. I start walking out the door with my friends and from the corner of my eye, I see him pushing people through to get to me. At that moment I began to run, like really run. I started sprinting down 48th street and escaped into a really fancy hotel. The guys at the entrance were wearing suits and the hotel was completely silent. They asked what was wrong so we told them someone was trying to chase me. The workers helped us calm down and told us to escape through the back door. thank fucking god. The last thing I need is a crazy stalker in my life
3 guys, now what?
So remember the first guy that claimed he was 25? Yesterday I found out he lied about his age and hes actually 31. The funny part is that he knows exactly how old I am!! He's almost double my age what the fuck. Oh and it gets better. HES MARRIED. YUP FUCKING MARRIED as in he has a wife and potentially has kids. His facebook is full of pictures of a lady and two little girls but when I asked him he said they were his nieces. Like cmon the chances of those being his nieces are slim to none. I always wanted a sugar daddy to be honest. He seems like he has money and a good job so maybe I'll meet up with him. He wanted me to spend thanksgiving with him but I said no obviously.Thanksgiving with your wife and two daughters and me? I wonder what hes gonna tell his wife If I showed up on Thanksgiving. "Hey this is our new nanny" or "This is my friends daughter, she has no where to go for the holidays so I invited her here" God bless people need jesus. I'm still talking to him but I don't know if I have the balls to meet him I'll let you guys know.
Permanent.
Now, we all know I'm a stupid, confused 18 year old who thinks she can be and do anything. At least, that's what I think of myself. First I need to talk about my friend Haley. She's one of the craziest bitches I know. The problem is I'm also the craziest bitch she knows therefore we become an uncontrolled mess when the two of us are together. The two of are way way too spontaneous to be friends because usually in a friendship, there's that one person who is considered the sane one. You know, the one that's going to say no because it's too dangerous or no because we will get in trouble. And if you're this person, please email me we need to be friends ASAP! just kidding, but seriously I need a friend like this.
Anyway it's saturday night and Haley and I decide to go to the city to eat food and walk around Bryant Park. We walk pass a wine store and Haley suggests we buy some wine and drink it up at some random ass rooftop. Me, of course decides to agree and we walk in the store and purchase some wine. Keep in mind we are only 18 and I've never used my fake ID in a legit liquor store. I'm kind of nervous but I say fuck it the worst thing that could happen is he will not let me purchase the alcohol. We walk in with confidence, straight for the white moscato and straight to the register. He asked to see my ID and let me buy it! FUCK TO THE FUCKING YES, I'm accomplished. We didn't want to walk around for a rooftop so we started drinking on the steps of the New York City Library, classy right? As we start drinking Haley says, "omg I really wanna get tatted soon". I responded with, "what if we got tatted tonight?" she looks at me like I was joking and I said no seriously. We start laughing at the idea of us getting tatted and then all of a sudden it became serious, like what the fuck? Can you say stupid or stupid. I suggested a little heart on our ankles with our first initial in the middle of the heart. She was so excited and said yes let's do it!
We run to the next F train to 4th street and find a tattoo shop at around 10pm. We walk in and tell them what we wanted and they told us it was $100. Keep in mind the tattoo we wanted was about 2 inches by 2 inches. But we forgot we were in the city where everything is fucking overpriced. We stared at each other but decided to get the tattoo anyway. You see, I don't know if i'm just really spontaneous or really stupid because I'm starting to think I'm the second one.
Haley and I take a seat in the chair and as I heard the piercing gun turn on, my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. At this moment I started rethinking every decision I've ever made in my life. The needle started ripping through my skin and it was way less sore than I thought it was. I was 15 minutes in and I started becoming numb in my ankles. I started feeling light headed, probably because I drank two glasses on wine before this. Side note: getting a tattoo after drinking alcohol is prohibited but I don't fuck with rules. The tattoo guy finally finished and right as me and Haley walked out we fucking yelled WE ARE BAD ASS BITCHES!!!! okay end of story I'm about to have sex. standby.
Anyway it's saturday night and Haley and I decide to go to the city to eat food and walk around Bryant Park. We walk pass a wine store and Haley suggests we buy some wine and drink it up at some random ass rooftop. Me, of course decides to agree and we walk in the store and purchase some wine. Keep in mind we are only 18 and I've never used my fake ID in a legit liquor store. I'm kind of nervous but I say fuck it the worst thing that could happen is he will not let me purchase the alcohol. We walk in with confidence, straight for the white moscato and straight to the register. He asked to see my ID and let me buy it! FUCK TO THE FUCKING YES, I'm accomplished. We didn't want to walk around for a rooftop so we started drinking on the steps of the New York City Library, classy right? As we start drinking Haley says, "omg I really wanna get tatted soon". I responded with, "what if we got tatted tonight?" she looks at me like I was joking and I said no seriously. We start laughing at the idea of us getting tatted and then all of a sudden it became serious, like what the fuck? Can you say stupid or stupid. I suggested a little heart on our ankles with our first initial in the middle of the heart. She was so excited and said yes let's do it!
We run to the next F train to 4th street and find a tattoo shop at around 10pm. We walk in and tell them what we wanted and they told us it was $100. Keep in mind the tattoo we wanted was about 2 inches by 2 inches. But we forgot we were in the city where everything is fucking overpriced. We stared at each other but decided to get the tattoo anyway. You see, I don't know if i'm just really spontaneous or really stupid because I'm starting to think I'm the second one.
Haley and I take a seat in the chair and as I heard the piercing gun turn on, my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. At this moment I started rethinking every decision I've ever made in my life. The needle started ripping through my skin and it was way less sore than I thought it was. I was 15 minutes in and I started becoming numb in my ankles. I started feeling light headed, probably because I drank two glasses on wine before this. Side note: getting a tattoo after drinking alcohol is prohibited but I don't fuck with rules. The tattoo guy finally finished and right as me and Haley walked out we fucking yelled WE ARE BAD ASS BITCHES!!!! okay end of story I'm about to have sex. standby.
Flashback: Best friend kind of love
Have you ever had a best guy friend that you fell in love with? You know, that one friend you could tell anything to, someone that made you feel special and wanted. I have that person. His name is Jared and he's been my best guy friend for a few years now. We have very similar personalities and our relationship has always been so natural and open. We talk about really personal subects with each other like sex, depression, feelings, all the things you usually wouldn't tell anyone.
It's almost impossible not to develop feelings for him.
We've had several encounters about our feelings for each other and we both know we have feelings for each other beyond a friendship. The only problem is he has a girlfriend. He's had a girlfriend for about a year now but by the time we discussed our feelings, they were already together. He is the kind of person who will settle for someone because he doesn't want to hurt them. He knows how he feels but is afraid to break up with her because he doesn't want the aftermath of heartbreak and feeling like an asshole. Stupid right?
Jared and I have a very complicated relationship because he continues to reject the way he truly feels.
Here's all you need to know about our friendship:
1) All of my friends and his friends have told us multiple times that we are meant to be together
2) He comes over to my house late at night where we have deep talks in his car and his girlfriend doesn't know
3) His girlfriend hates me because he thinks he has feelings for me more than he does for her (which is true)
4) We hold hands and touch each other in ways that "just friends" don't (boobs, fingering, shit like that)
5) We've never kissed because I WONT LET IT HAPPEN not him
6) I've always been in love with him but unlike him, I actually admit it
7) He uninvited me to his grad party because he said I make his girlfriend uncomfortable
8) His mom asked if I was going to his party and I told her no because I was going on a trip (I should've told her the truth)
9) We stopped talking for the whole summer and only recently became on talking terms
10) Even in college, we facetime each other and still talk about personal things
11) He's told me multiple times that he was going to end things with her soon
12) No matter how much of an asshole he is to me he will always be my best friend and I will love him till the end of time
I would drop anyone on any day for Jared and sometimes I feel stupid for saying that but it's true. It's hard to let someone you have so much history with go. For anyone who can relate to my situation, please email me your stories and ways you've got through it. I'm open for advice on whether I should keep being a loyal friend to him or just stop talking to him completely.
It's almost impossible not to develop feelings for him.
We've had several encounters about our feelings for each other and we both know we have feelings for each other beyond a friendship. The only problem is he has a girlfriend. He's had a girlfriend for about a year now but by the time we discussed our feelings, they were already together. He is the kind of person who will settle for someone because he doesn't want to hurt them. He knows how he feels but is afraid to break up with her because he doesn't want the aftermath of heartbreak and feeling like an asshole. Stupid right?
Jared and I have a very complicated relationship because he continues to reject the way he truly feels.
Here's all you need to know about our friendship:
1) All of my friends and his friends have told us multiple times that we are meant to be together
2) He comes over to my house late at night where we have deep talks in his car and his girlfriend doesn't know
3) His girlfriend hates me because he thinks he has feelings for me more than he does for her (which is true)
4) We hold hands and touch each other in ways that "just friends" don't (boobs, fingering, shit like that)
5) We've never kissed because I WONT LET IT HAPPEN not him
6) I've always been in love with him but unlike him, I actually admit it
7) He uninvited me to his grad party because he said I make his girlfriend uncomfortable
8) His mom asked if I was going to his party and I told her no because I was going on a trip (I should've told her the truth)
9) We stopped talking for the whole summer and only recently became on talking terms
10) Even in college, we facetime each other and still talk about personal things
11) He's told me multiple times that he was going to end things with her soon
12) No matter how much of an asshole he is to me he will always be my best friend and I will love him till the end of time
I would drop anyone on any day for Jared and sometimes I feel stupid for saying that but it's true. It's hard to let someone you have so much history with go. For anyone who can relate to my situation, please email me your stories and ways you've got through it. I'm open for advice on whether I should keep being a loyal friend to him or just stop talking to him completely.
Oh My, Nice Guys
In the beginning of the semester I met this guy Joe. He's friends with my upperclassmen softball teammates and I was introduced to him at a party. He goes to NYU and is graduating at the end of this semester, yes he's pretty old. Anyway, he's pretty handsome and we were just casually talking at the party about where we are from and blah blah.
Towards the end of the night we separated and I wasn't sure If I was ever going to see him again. I was talking to my friends and all of a sudden, these three girls call me over (I have no idea who these girls are). They were asking me if I liked Joe as if I didn't meet him a couple hours ago. I told them he was a nice guy and seemed really sweet. They told me he couldn't stop talking about me and kept telling them that I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
Awwww I know right? how many guys now a days say mushy shit like that. I'll give you a hint, none. And with that in mind I'd be stupid not to fall for him right?
Wrong.
I'm one of those girls that go after assholes because they make me fight for their affection. Nice guys are great and all but they don't give me any challenge, I don't know I just like it when guys are not pushovers.
I walked over to Joe and asked him to talk somewhere private. We sat down on the stairwell and I explained to him that he's a really genuine person and I'd be stupid not to give someone like him a chance. After a while, he kissed me. We kissed for a long time but believe it or not, his kiss was different. I actually felt something. For the first time ever, I felt nurtured and wanted, unlike all the other times I've hooked up with assholes or had one night stands.
My friends are currently yelling and being loud as fuck so hold on as I wait for them to shut the fuck up.
Finafuckingly okay I'll continue the story. As we were kissing, I got butterflies and I felt so special in this moment I almost wnated to cry. Which is why I am the dumbest person in the world because I still till this day, go after douchebags.
Joe and I talked for a while after this but because we don't go to the same college, I don't see him that often. It didn't end badly between us, we kind of just stopped talking. A couple weeks ago we ran into each other at a bar in the city. I pulled him aside and told him that I missed him a lot and most of all, I miss kissing him. He smiled and we kissed all night and I felt the same warmth and love as if we never stopped talking.
We continued talking after that night and he asked me to hang out in the city soon, but for some reason I didn't answer. I'm a fucking idiot I know. I just get so scared at the fact that a genuinely nice guy can like so much. No one has ever looked at me the way Joe does. No one has ever kissed me so passionately like Joe does. And no one has ever been so forgiving and selfless towards me like Joe is. He tells me I'm beautiful after I've just hopped out of the shower and took my makeup off. He tells me my goals of being a dancer and fashion designer are brilliant, rather than telling me they're unrealistic. He looks into my eyes when he listens to be blabber about things he probably has no interest in.
He is a pretty perfect guy and I guess I'm just scared. Joe and I don't talk anymore but I think about texting him every day...
Towards the end of the night we separated and I wasn't sure If I was ever going to see him again. I was talking to my friends and all of a sudden, these three girls call me over (I have no idea who these girls are). They were asking me if I liked Joe as if I didn't meet him a couple hours ago. I told them he was a nice guy and seemed really sweet. They told me he couldn't stop talking about me and kept telling them that I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
Awwww I know right? how many guys now a days say mushy shit like that. I'll give you a hint, none. And with that in mind I'd be stupid not to fall for him right?
Wrong.
I'm one of those girls that go after assholes because they make me fight for their affection. Nice guys are great and all but they don't give me any challenge, I don't know I just like it when guys are not pushovers.
I walked over to Joe and asked him to talk somewhere private. We sat down on the stairwell and I explained to him that he's a really genuine person and I'd be stupid not to give someone like him a chance. After a while, he kissed me. We kissed for a long time but believe it or not, his kiss was different. I actually felt something. For the first time ever, I felt nurtured and wanted, unlike all the other times I've hooked up with assholes or had one night stands.
My friends are currently yelling and being loud as fuck so hold on as I wait for them to shut the fuck up.
Finafuckingly okay I'll continue the story. As we were kissing, I got butterflies and I felt so special in this moment I almost wnated to cry. Which is why I am the dumbest person in the world because I still till this day, go after douchebags.
Joe and I talked for a while after this but because we don't go to the same college, I don't see him that often. It didn't end badly between us, we kind of just stopped talking. A couple weeks ago we ran into each other at a bar in the city. I pulled him aside and told him that I missed him a lot and most of all, I miss kissing him. He smiled and we kissed all night and I felt the same warmth and love as if we never stopped talking.
We continued talking after that night and he asked me to hang out in the city soon, but for some reason I didn't answer. I'm a fucking idiot I know. I just get so scared at the fact that a genuinely nice guy can like so much. No one has ever looked at me the way Joe does. No one has ever kissed me so passionately like Joe does. And no one has ever been so forgiving and selfless towards me like Joe is. He tells me I'm beautiful after I've just hopped out of the shower and took my makeup off. He tells me my goals of being a dancer and fashion designer are brilliant, rather than telling me they're unrealistic. He looks into my eyes when he listens to be blabber about things he probably has no interest in.
He is a pretty perfect guy and I guess I'm just scared. Joe and I don't talk anymore but I think about texting him every day...
First College Heartbreak
So as 2017 began, I promised myself to open up to people, especially in intimate relationships. I promised myself I wouldn't do the same thing that I always do and put up a wall that's impossible to take down. I did just that. It's that feeling you get when you're so confident that things are going to work out because you're stepping out of your comfort zone and trying to better yourself. At least, that's what I thought at the moment. I thought if I opened up and really gave someone a chance, my luck with relationships would turn around. I also usually go after someone based off of attraction first, and that hasn't worked well for me.
This time I didn't go after attraction first. In fact, I didn't go after anything at all. I see on twitter all these posts saying "the most successful relationships are the ones that were totally unexpected" so my confidence at this point was pretty high. I was struggling between to guys, neither of which was the guy who hurt me. As I was deciding between these two guys, a new guy came into the picture. I didn't think much of him at first, I thought he was immature, loud, and really weird. After getting to know him I realized he's none of those things. I think I like him so much because he surprised me in a way that no other guy has. He's independent, determined, loyal, funny, understanding, realistic, talented, smart, and hard working. He is someone that could brighten my day with just his presence, someone I could be 100% myself with.
He made me really happy, happiest I've been in a while. After about a month, he started to not answer me and started distancing away from me. I come to find out that he felt that things were getting too serious and that I wanted a relationship. I guess part of it was our fault because we never discussed what we both wanted. I was hurt. Like broken. I'm not an emotional person at all, but best believe I was crying for a whole week. Every night, every time I was alone I was crying. I physically couldn't even go to class because I felt so hurt and drained. He wouldn't talk to me, he didn't even want to be in the same room as me. Thats the worst feeling. Knowing you didn't do anything wrong, yet the person is treating you like you're a complete stranger with no explanation. It was a really hard month for me, but things got better with time.
It's been over a month since this happened but I'm still hurt. I'm not emotional anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I guess I always will hurt a little when I see him or think of him. But as much as I try to hate him for the way he went about the situation, I can't. I still and always will care about him because that's just how I am. I care too much, way too much about people who don't deserve it. I would do anything for him if he ever needed help. The worst part is that I thought of him as a friend before anything else. He's someone I want in my life, even if we aren't intimately together. I think with time we will be cool again. That's all I really want is for things to go back to before we started hanging out. Just a really fun friendship because he is such a greta person to have in your life.
This time I didn't go after attraction first. In fact, I didn't go after anything at all. I see on twitter all these posts saying "the most successful relationships are the ones that were totally unexpected" so my confidence at this point was pretty high. I was struggling between to guys, neither of which was the guy who hurt me. As I was deciding between these two guys, a new guy came into the picture. I didn't think much of him at first, I thought he was immature, loud, and really weird. After getting to know him I realized he's none of those things. I think I like him so much because he surprised me in a way that no other guy has. He's independent, determined, loyal, funny, understanding, realistic, talented, smart, and hard working. He is someone that could brighten my day with just his presence, someone I could be 100% myself with.
He made me really happy, happiest I've been in a while. After about a month, he started to not answer me and started distancing away from me. I come to find out that he felt that things were getting too serious and that I wanted a relationship. I guess part of it was our fault because we never discussed what we both wanted. I was hurt. Like broken. I'm not an emotional person at all, but best believe I was crying for a whole week. Every night, every time I was alone I was crying. I physically couldn't even go to class because I felt so hurt and drained. He wouldn't talk to me, he didn't even want to be in the same room as me. Thats the worst feeling. Knowing you didn't do anything wrong, yet the person is treating you like you're a complete stranger with no explanation. It was a really hard month for me, but things got better with time.
It's been over a month since this happened but I'm still hurt. I'm not emotional anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. I guess I always will hurt a little when I see him or think of him. But as much as I try to hate him for the way he went about the situation, I can't. I still and always will care about him because that's just how I am. I care too much, way too much about people who don't deserve it. I would do anything for him if he ever needed help. The worst part is that I thought of him as a friend before anything else. He's someone I want in my life, even if we aren't intimately together. I think with time we will be cool again. That's all I really want is for things to go back to before we started hanging out. Just a really fun friendship because he is such a greta person to have in your life.